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Is There Such a Thing as No-fault Abuse? |
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Written by Randall Reiserer
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Monday, 08 September 2008 01:13 |
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Page 1 of 4 My friend, Grace, is going through a divorce right now, a misfortune that we share in common. Her breakup has not been bitter or deceitful or raucous, and her husband has never raised a hand to her or their two kids. He did not pick fights or sleep around. He was not controlling or manipulative, and he will not likely withhold support or run away from his obligations. In fact, she has a hard time pinning down exactly why she wants to divorce him—at least when it comes to articulating it such that others can sympathize with her.
Grace’s husband, Dennis, is quite mild mannered. He has a good job as a video game developer, an advanced degree from Harvard, and is generally liked by his friends and colleagues. I know what you’re thinking—Grace must be one of those hard to please types.
Her divorce is so different from mine that one might justly wonder how I could sympathize with her at all. Indeed, it was hard for me to understand her pain at first and it is precisely because she has such a hard time articulating the nature of certain abuses that others find fault in her motivations to leave. But, of course, there is more to her story.
Dennis has been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, a neurobehavioral disorder that affects one in 250 people. Asperger’s disorder is a form of high functioning autism characterized by abnormal social interaction, difficulty communicating, and a general lack of empathy. Neurologically normal spouses often complain of pervasive neglect and alienation, lack of responsiveness to feelings, and a troubling absence of reciprocity. A fairly normal case, Dennis displays narrow and repetitive interests (hence his success as a video game developer) and he thrives on routine. Individuals with Asperger’s syndrome are often seen as quiet, focused, and practical, but in the extreme such behavior can drive a spouse absolutely bonkers.
I listened to Grace for a long time before I got it—she had suffered just as much as I had, but we had experienced opposite ends of Hell. My wife (soon to be ex-) inflicted so much suffering that I developed stomach ulcers and other health problems. She frequently picked fights over the most trivial things and if I did not play things just right, she flew into rages, fiercely ridiculed me, and sometimes became violent. If I left town for even one day, she would invariably accuse me of infidelity and, if I showed any affection for my mother, she would charge me with incest. Oh how small a drop from the bucket I do spill, but this essay is about Grace.
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I'm sure I'll write more on this topic...
http://www.therapistlocator.ne...erline.aspAmerican Association for Marriage and Family Therapy: Borderline Personality Disorder