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Is There Such a Thing as No-fault Abuse? |
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Written by Randall Reiserer
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Monday, 08 September 2008 01:13 |
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Page 2 of 4
The one thing that we have in common is that both of our spouses suffer from a neurobehavioral disorder, in my case borderline personality disorder. Like Asperger’s syndrome borderline personality disorder is largely untreatable and often undiagnosed. Both dysfunctions are hard to spot because people with these conditions display social behavior that is normal enough, at least to the disinterested world at large. Grace and I both were married to high-functioning dysfunctionals who can keep things together in public, but the similarities dry up from there.
Grace was chronically neglected to the point that she became angry. She was the one who did all of the yelling, and she is the one who looks a bit loony to outsiders. Actually, her predicament bears a psychological alias: Cassandra Syndrome, named after the beautiful mythological princess of Troy to whom Apollo bestowed the power of prophecy, only to curse her with distrust from others when she refused his advances (Greek gods were rather punitive when rejected). Indeed, Cassandra foretold Agamemnon’s Trojan horse ploy, but her warning fell on deaf ears.
Anyhow, Cassandra syndrome names the set of problems faced by spouses of those with Asperger’s Syndrome, most notably a general disbelief of what has gone on in the marriage. I would say that Cassandra syndrome is common to spouses who live with a few other neuropsychological disorders as well, but so far the term is not broadly applied. Sarah Jennings has made available a nice article on Cassandra syndrome (it’s a bit clinical, but not overly technical). Her message is essentially that there is a legitimate basis for treating these seemingly volatile relationships differently from other high-conflict divorce cases.
The problem is that mental health professionals often make matters worse for families by labeling the acutely distressed spouse (the non-Asperger’s one) as alarmist and over-dramatic. They fail to understand what the neurologically normal spouse has endured, and they find no basis for claims of emotional abuse. The question that I want to put forth is this: what constitutes emotional abuse in a relationship, and is there such a thing as “no-fault” abuse?
Dennis never meant to cause any discordance. When he refused to wash the backs of dishes, he did so because his genuine sense of practicality, however flawed, reasoned that people don’t eat off of the under side of tableware. Grace’s displeasure with this practice is perfectly understandable, and at first she approached the problem gently, reminding Dennis that when the dishes are stacked in the cupboard, the under sides rest on the tops. This sound rationalism was lost on Dennis because he was motivated to be done with that insufferable task rather than to get the dishes clean. To make matters worse, his response to the discordance over this small issue was to stop doing the dishes altogether, reasoning that his efforts went unappreciated so why should he continue doing something that got him in trouble.
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I'm sure I'll write more on this topic...
http://www.therapistlocator.ne...erline.aspAmerican Association for Marriage and Family Therapy: Borderline Personality Disorder