|
Is There Such a Thing as No-fault Abuse? |
 |
 |
 |
|
Written by Randall Reiserer
|
|
Monday, 08 September 2008 01:13 |
|
Page 3 of 4
This sort of thinking and behavior was pervasive in everything Dennis did and eventually his responsibilities dwindled to a few tasks, such as taking out the trash, that he could do his own way without causing Grace any anxiety. In his mind, he was reducing conflict, but that is not how it felt to Grace. She ended up doing the majority of the housework; had to hire out the lawn care, made sure the bills got paid, fixed things when they broke, and cared for the kids.
Had these matters been the extent of the problems, Grace would have never lost faith. Dennis was emotionally distant and insensitive, as is typical of those afflicted with Asperger’s syndrome. He loved to watch movies, as did Grace, but he insisted upon complete silence during a film, got frustrated by any commotion, and could not tolerate being touched during the movie. Imagine never getting to cuddle up to your spouse during a romantic flick. Many of us consider closeness and sharing to be the best part of the experience, but Dennis views it as an intolerable distraction, a disruption in the rigid mental stream that he must maintain to feel in balance with the moment.
Dennis also spent hours upon hours playing video games, often becoming so absorbed that he became frustrated and annoyed with the kids for their interruptions. Naturally the loud games kept the children in a state of excitement, so Grace frequently had trouble putting them to sleep after long sessions watching Daddy’s video conquests. If the kids spilled something or made a mess, Dennis would yell out in a frustrated voice, “Why did you do that!?” In that moment, and only that moment, he acknowledged and responded to the incident, but his attention was at once back to the game, and there it stayed. He would not pause the game to clean up the mess, or address any number of instructional issues that neurologically normal parents deem expedient. His imperative was to maintain that tunnel of intense sensory feedback so crucial to his psychodynamic comfort. It might seem prudent to pass judgment on Dennis for such transgressions, until one remembers that in his reclusive mind his actions were perfectly benign, and this behavior is really not all that bad anyway—right?
Sometimes the little things accumulate into big things, but, of course, trying to tell others about this cumulative emotional abuse just sounds like a string of petty beefs. Where we might experience real sympathy for Grace is in accounts of Dennis’ lack of sexual and intimate responsiveness. Grace lamented that Dennis was a rather mechanical lover. His approach was clumsy and goal-oriented, devoid of passion, and completely lacking intimacy. As with movie time, there could be no vocal interruptions, or anything that resembled sexual play. His narrowly defined motivations kept him from learning (in the real sense of associating one thing with another) what was pleasurable to Grace. Dennis never asked for feedback or expressed any concern for Graces experience. When the sexual encounter was over, he simply followed his droning mental imperatives, entirely oblivious to the train wreck of feelings he left in the bedroom.
Trackback(0)
 |
Articles 
TrackBack URI for this entry
Subscribe to this comment's feed
Show/Hide comment form
I'm sure I'll write more on this topic...
http://www.therapistlocator.ne...erline.aspAmerican Association for Marriage and Family Therapy: Borderline Personality Disorder