Open2it Community Blog

"It's 3 am, I must be lonely" -- Matchbox 20, 3 AM.

Can a life be judged by what can not be blogged?  I think in a good life, as in a life in which a person is good, everything about her life would be fit for public consumption.  But I feel furtive and evasive.  I am embarrassed and mortified at my own behavior, my thoughts.  I pick and choose carefully what can be set down here.

My whole life I have been loved by everyone I know.  The only important person I remember rejecting me is my Stepmom.  But all the people who say they loved me have hurt me, too, except for my high school sweetheart.  Not intentionally, never intentionally.  Just incidentally.  But the results are the same.  I want to be for them what they want and need.  But are they for me what I want and need?  I want and need too much or are they just unwilling/unable to meet them?  Did I change to be for them?  Or was I already?

I tried passively waiting, actively demanding, patiently coaching, screaming at the top of my lungs.  I ran out of patience and fortitude and air.

So stop thinking about them.  Work on yourself, the conventional wisdom says.  Be for yourself what you need.  Goodness, what the heck is that supposed to mean?  I am good company for myself, but I'm lonely as hell.

So I think maybe I'll write the next great (Chinese) American novel and hide behind a pen name.  It'd be getting the lead out.