Someone PLEASE explain it to me!

Posted by: Kelly

Subject tags: personal, neglect, divorce

on Jan 7, 2009 Print PDF
Kelly

I need some help.  Something happened today that I need someone to explain to me. 

I Have written blog here before about what I've been going through.  Here's an overview.  My divorce will be final on January 13th.  My husband and I have been apart for 6 months.  The reason for the divorce is that my husband could not remain faithful.  I found out that it has been unfaithful 8 times in the 10 years we were married. 

You know all those "stories" you hear from people, I can honestly say that HE HAS DONE IT ALL.  Here are some examples. 

1. He slept with the maid of honor from our wedding

2. He slept with my babies sitter.

3. Lets just say what happened in Vegas did not stay there.

4. He told me about an affair when I was in Florida visiting my mother who just found out she had brain cancer.

5. He had his last girlfriend in my house and in my bed, when I was gone for a weekend.  Did I mention that his girlfriend just had a baby 1 month ago.  He saids it's not his. Yeah right!

And then there's his poor fathering practices:

1. I can't get him to spend time with his kids

2. He has not paid any child support

3. He has only taken the kids overnight 2 times, because he moved his girlfriend into his apartment.

4. He promised not to have his girlfriend around our kids till after the divorce was final.  He broke that promise as a  Merry Christmas to me.

I can keep going, but why?

I'll get to the point.  I got a call from my lawyer giving me the final date and location for the divorce.  I texted my ex to inform  him.  Usually he would text me back, but this time nothing.  I texted him later to make sure he got it.  To make a long story a little shorter,  He is not sure he wants a divorce now.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!   What world is he living in that he thinks I would ever think about letting him come back. 

 Here is were I need the help.  I need someone to explain this to me.  Why does he think I would "put off the divorce".  Why is he now " missing being a family".  I need someone to explain this to me.  Just because I am not being mean about things and vindictive, does this give him cause to think I would even consider taking him back.  PLEASE give me some comments.  I need to understand this.

Thanks for reading.

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69
Cut the Cord
written by rsr, January 08, 2009
There really isn't much to say: your ex is in a personal fix and as an adept user he seeks to weasel his way into the coziest situation possible. Perhaps your behavior toward him has given him a reason to believe that his hopes are not delusional; if so, this should cause concern.
95
***THUNK***
written by Soapy Dishwater, January 08, 2009
(rsr - that was me thunking you on the back of the head for saying she's somehow encouraging him at this point!)

Kelly - He's pretty good at playing the system to get what he wants and in the past he was very successful (yes?? 8 in 10 - geez... you've seen a doctor, right??). Now, he's got the divorce papers in hand and a date circled on the calendar so he's testing your resolve now. It's his last ditch effort so shake it off, stand firm, and let him stand in his own pile of poo.
69
Thunk Think Junk Fink
written by rsr, January 08, 2009
Crass though I might be, I delivered my perspective. I have zero tolerance for those who play emotional games with spouses and children and, while I feel for their victims, I don't think that we do enough to punish their behavior. Our culture has accepted infidelity as a norm, as indicated by its acceptance in the entertainment industry and everywhere else one looks. If more people treated these morally depauperate emotion vandals with zero tolerance, they might come to understand that their behavior is not okay.

Kelly, your ex is the way he is because he lacked a moral education in his youth. If he has any chance of gaining that education as an adult, it will be because he had to suffer some very serious consequences. Sad as it is, it has become your burden to make sure he understands how life works.
94
Nice people get stepped on
written by Raine, January 09, 2009
How horrible things must be for you and your children. You might have been too nice to your ex if he thinks that he can get by with all of that and then slither back into family life with you. He seems like he has a loose screw (no pun intended), so you might have to be more firm when you communicate with him.

Isn't text messaging something that people use to send friendly little messages? I don't know, because I never got into that scene, but if I were you, I'd communicate through a more expressive medium, like yelling through the phone.

Did he say that he wants to come back, or is he just unhappy with the terms of your divorce? That happens too.

You know, even morally bankrupt people can feel loss. Your ex has probably satisfied his animal needs (temporarily anyway) and he's climbing back up Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Just don't lend him a latter.
72
point of view
written by littlefaith, January 13, 2009
Dear Kelly,

A lot can be explained simply by telling yourself that this is a person who is incapable of seeing anyone's point-of-view but his own. I believe that is the root of all evil. He has trouble constructing a true model of how you might be feeling or behaving in his mind, so he can't check on that model and easily understand as the rest of us do, that of course you would have no interest in getting back together with him. He can only look inside himself, at his own desires and motivations, and he knows that when he thinks about you and the children (the cardboard models he has put together, not the real you or the real children) it gives him this warm fuzzy feeling and he wants you to stay. Then he wants to know, isn't this feeling he has enough? Doesn't that mean everything? The answer is a resounding NO. It's his external actions that count, his effect on you and the children that count, and his inability to understand the results of his actions is his own problem now. That's why you're getting the divorce.

Congratulations on the big day today. I hope you're having a good day and looking forward at lots of open space ahead of you to be filled in with love and laughter and joy.

Hugs,

Littlefaith - still mid-divorce

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