Posted by: littlefaith
Subject tags: relationship, personal, fear
on
Dec 4, 2008
This year I have been picking up lots of pieces of me. They are the threads of other people's lives that were part of the tapestry of my life over the last thirty-four years. Today I'm anxiously waiting, wondering if one of those ghosts from my past will reply to me and give me a chance to heal. I feel torn and broken where certain important people were lost to me. I sound like a drama queen, and so maybe I am. Here I am, almost twenty years past the trauma, and still love and fear and guilt gush forth when I check on the wound.
But say I manage to find my ghosts and reconnect. Can I put myself back together again? I'm a classic case of "fear of commitment", though I don't know if "commitment" is exactly what I fear. I am afraid of having to not be for someone what they need. I am afraid of having to reject what I love more than anything. I am constantly thinking of relationships as being a steady state of impasse. I wish for a dynamic relationship model, where all the people that I have loved are able to reciprocate my love and vice versa, where we can move through the universe finding new loves and visiting old ones without all the fallout.
