This year I have been picking up lots of pieces of me. They are the threads of other people's lives that were part of the tapestry of my life over the last thirty-four years. Today I'm anxiously waiting, wondering if one of those ghosts from my past will reply to me and give me a chance to heal. I feel torn and broken where certain important people were lost to me. I sound like a drama queen, and so maybe I am. Here I am, almost twenty years past the trauma, and still love and fear and guilt gush forth when I check on the wound.
But say I manage to find my ghosts and reconnect. Can I put myself back together again? I'm a classic case of "fear of commitment", though I don't know if "commitment" is exactly what I fear. I am afraid of having to not be for someone what they need. I am afraid of having to reject what I love more than anything. I am constantly thinking of relationships as being a steady state of impasse. I wish for a dynamic relationship model, where all the people that I have loved are able to reciprocate my love and vice versa, where we can move through the universe finding new loves and visiting old ones without all the fallout.
I'm getting a divorce. According to the wikipedia, a divorce is "a legal process leading to the termination of a marriage". However, I think I'm doing something more than that. It's making a big decision to seek a different life, and as part of that decision I'm divorcing not only my husband, but also my mom and my unhappiness. I am keeping the kids. I will do whatever it takes to have the freedom to find a new person to share my life with and create a new home. I know if I take one step at a time, I can end the loneliness to which I had resigned myself.
I've never written a blog before, but when I found this website I decided to give it a go. First, I just want to say that I love the concept of Open2it, especially that I can express my thoughts to an intellectual community anonymously. I want to discuss some things about human nature that I have a unique (or at least unusual) perspective on. I guess that I'll find out how Open2it y'all really are. Just let me know if my topics get to be too heavy for this community.
So. . ., let me briefly introduce myself. I was born and raised in Phoenix, AZ, moved to San Francisco for college (and other reasons), and I'm now a museum curatorial assistant. I started off as a psychology major because I wanted to understand myself, but discovered biology and ended up double majoring.
